Grass Is Greener Syndrome

 

              Many things in life are disappointing. More things are disappointing than might be under different circumstances. What we expect to happen often does not meet the reality after we have met that goal. This sense of expectations being far “better” than reality shows life to be creates dissatisfaction, which in turn creates anxiety and a need to reduce the negative feelings. It is this cycle of dissatisfaction that is Grass is Greener Syndrome. This series of emotional and behavioral reactions to unmet expectations are one of the causes of the social ills we find as an affluent society (or at least the sections of society that experience affluence).

              We’ve all heard the phrase “the grass is greener on the other side.” In Hardcore Zen, the author points out that we always expect the grass to be greener, but it is never as green as we expect it to be. It is this wishful thinking that is disappointed, and we find ourselves dissatisfied with the choice we’ve made and its outcome, no matter how much effort and achievement were involved in the process (and therefore how mismatched is our reaction). This dissatisfaction is what advertising preys on; finding a product to dull the dissatisfaction you feel because life didn’t turn out as rosy and you expected it to. These unmet expectations are, at their core, made up in our own head and the result of perspective rather than reality.  This causes anxiety and depression in populations where there is no direct tie to survival in a given day’s activities, and stress has no biological outlet.

              The loss experienced when we realize the grass is NOT greener is real and physically, not just emotionally, painful. It is this experienced pain that creates the need to stop the pain, and brings forth the behaviors we do (and products we buy) that are intended to dull that negative sensation. This happens in many ways, causing profitable misery in every aspect of our lives: babies and puppies can’t fill the hole in our hearts, the promotion doesn’t increase job satisfaction, marriage doesn’t save the relationship, getting a degree didn’t solve your career issues, the drug didn’t kill your illness, the move didn’t help you accept yourself or find a home, the intentionality from rehab wore off, or in my “inspirational” case the TV finale was much less rosy than the book (and expected) ending. I really like a good happily-ever-after and this was the opposite: cynical, sad, and dark. Life is enough of this already that I like less of it, not more, in my fictional entertainment. It was this existential crisis in my fun time that opened my mind to the overall effect of expectations not being met on societal goals.

              Wanting the grass to be greener when it will never be green enough creates wants that are not related to survival and cannot be truly fulfilled. I’m not suggesting an alternative (since finding external relief is the source of the problem). I think that those who have reliably clean water, quality food, stable housing, season-appropriate clothing, electricity, and gainful employment are more miserable than those who lack these things, but the feelings of lack and misery are in their heads. Since there are no survival needs, wants are all that’s left, and a survival (fight or flight) response is maladaptive in this population because the struggle isn’t actually real for them. I’m not saying life is easy, but it is infinitely easier than it was a century ago for almost everyone, and that ease paradoxically causes dissatisfaction.

              How do we combat this maladaptive dissatisfaction with our lives and achievements? From what I’ve read, gratitude goes a long way. I’ve also experienced that being present in the moment, especially when there are other people in that moment, creates stronger feelings of joy and satisfaction than being in the room but my attention is elsewhere. I’ve also noticed that having lots of things to do and look forward to, as well as people to love in my life, make it easier to remove the feelings of remorse and loss associated with Grass is Greener Syndrome. When I say lots of things to do, they involve interacting with my environment and other people. When I say lots of things to look forward to, they are events and activities that involve other people and not work. When I say people to love in my life, I can measurably add to their quality of life and those I love return and grow that love.

              Unfortunately, this is not a lucrative nor expensive list of options, so private industries that rely on advertising and artificially-generated wants will not support these communal and organic solutions. Their solution for existential anxiety and depression are drugs which have negative side effects that are more reliable than their palliative ones. If the advertisers aren’t pedaling a consumable solution, they are reminding us of the impossible standards that fuel further dissatisfaction (and further profits). Pain wants to be treated immediately, and advertisers have a seemingly infinite line of products designed to promise relief, but it will always be temporary because they are presenting a solution that exacerbates the problem: not dealing with it.

              This is one of many times where I feel it important to point out that corporations, especially the publicly-traded ones, do NOT have your best interest in mind. They exist solely to make profits for their shareholders. Those profits go down or disappear when people are healed and move on from their problems, so finding or sharing a lasting solution is not in their best interests, but it is in yours. Organic solutions are cheaper, longer-lasting, more satisfying, and accomplish their task with fewer side effects. Genuine interaction, presence in the moment, and participating in our individual survival will go further than any designer drug could hope to do. It is a conscious choice to work for our long-term health and resist the click-bait short-term numbing that we are now presented with. I hope the grass is a green (or greener) than you hoped, but if it isn’t I hope you share your experience with someone else and worth through it instead of reaching for your numbing activity of choice.